20/10/2014

Naked

I'm not hiding anymore behind a fake smile, a cold attitude or a party animal.
I come in front of you all, broken beyond repair, wearing nothing but pain.

I am tired.
I am tired of smiling and having to move on, because that's the "right thing", when I really don't want to.
I am tired of pretending to be a heartless bitch and a powerful independent soul, when I'm actually just tired, confused and powerless.
I'm tired of people coming back and forth in my life.
I am tired of working my ass off for a fuckin useless piece of paper called "degree", and a handful of money that barely keeps me going.
I am tired of being a useless piece of shit every time I hear my mom crying on the other side of the phone, when I'm thousands of miles away from home, and can't do anything about it. 
I'm tired of lying to her and my dad, telling them everything's good,  or everything's fine,  when it's not.
I'm tired of craving to go home, when home doesn't feel home anymore, and neither this place.
I'm right back from where I started: there's a roof above my head, but yet, I feel homeless.
I tried picking myself up, stitching my wounds, burying myself in work, just so I can hide from reality.
But...let's face it: 2014 was probably the worst year of my life.
Started the year with a break up, followed by deaths in my family, depression and lots of health problems.
Now, I'm living the shock of losing a friend, which apparently died about a year ago.
I don't know how, nor why I didn't find out until now.
All I can remember,  are a few conversations we had over the phone, and how he managed to pick me up, from thousands of miles away, when I thought I had nothing.
We didn't speak too often, but the amount of times we did, was more than enough to create a friendship.
I tried getting in touch with him a few good times, and there was no answer, anywhere.
If I only knew...
I can't cope with his death, just for the simple fact that the feelings and the emotions burning in me right now, send me right back at being 17, when I've lost someone I cared a lot about.
I can smell the depression, the insomnia has begun, I have a terrible migraine, and there's a bitter taste behind all of these.
I am tired, weak and powerless.
I am sick, I feel fucked,  and I am broken.

Stay away, leave me alone whoever the fuck you are.

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