25/10/2014

Reminder

Felt like reminding myself, I need to create in order to keep a connection with my inner self.
Here's a letter taken from one of my all time favourite books, Joey Goebel's "torture the artist":

"I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you’ll never be happy.

I dont mean to hurt you by saying that, I say it because I think it’s only fair that I am honest with you before we begin. I hope you appreciate this because no one will be fair or honest with you from here on out. So again, I’m telling you right now you will never be happy. I put it in writing for you and you are very welcome.

I want you to go outside on the sunniest, sweatiest day of the year and quietly say it out loud: “I will never be happy” . Even in the heat, you should be able to see your own cold smoky breath aknowledge the statement. The only way to avoid seeing your breath is to say it proudly like a wise man.“I will never be happy”. Try it sometime.

When I think of you, I think of a cartoon cloud hovering over your head. A private torrential downpour. I see you’re soaking wet, your entire being drooping. And you are always sick because you cant stay dry. Depressed by the bad weather, you cry yourself a little river, but the tears evaporate and form into another cloud that rains on you even more. You can’t win.

It will be sad. You will never get the girl. You will not save the world. You will never find true love. You will not find a trustworhty friend. You will never be satisfied. You will never have enough. The grass could always be greener. The grass will always need mowing. Your days will be long and contain no fun. Your nights will be lonely and not much else. You’ll always be waiting for better days that will never arrive. And you will most definetely will never have peace of mind.

There will be days when you will collapse to your knees and screamingly plead your case to whatever might be listening. But the Thing Called God cant help you, and it wont. I think of heaven as being an irradiant crystalline metropolis, and in the tallest sparkling skyscraper. The Major stays busy making deals behind the door with no knob. He is forever unaccesible, no taking calls at this time. And then I envision all the perfect blond angels devoid of genitalia and feet, congregating and pointing and laughing at all of us down here saying “Those poor little things!” in between giggles. They will get a kick out of you.

We are more likely to answer or not answer your prayers than they. We will control your destiny and watch over you. Not gods or angels. Not the Dead. Us. Men and women, adults with tangled webs and hidden agendas. Former children.

We will allow you your needs, but deny your wants. We will see to it that any requirements for long-term happiness are kept just out of reach. If by some mistake you experience the sentation that resembles happines, then by all means, embrace it for all it’s worth. Make the most of it because we will not let it last.

Again, I’m sorry. It is true what they say. Life is not fair, especially for you. The only consolation I can offer is that the things you will be making amid all the loneliness and suffering will by far outlast your dispair and our cruelty. Our torture is temporary, your work is forever. With this in mind, we all win in the long run.

So in behalf of everyone that you will ever meet, I apologize in advance for every heartache we will cause. You are in for a rough time, kid. Consider yourself warned.

Nevertheless,

Harlan."

20/10/2014

Naked

I'm not hiding anymore behind a fake smile, a cold attitude or a party animal.
I come in front of you all, broken beyond repair, wearing nothing but pain.

I am tired.
I am tired of smiling and having to move on, because that's the "right thing", when I really don't want to.
I am tired of pretending to be a heartless bitch and a powerful independent soul, when I'm actually just tired, confused and powerless.
I'm tired of people coming back and forth in my life.
I am tired of working my ass off for a fuckin useless piece of paper called "degree", and a handful of money that barely keeps me going.
I am tired of being a useless piece of shit every time I hear my mom crying on the other side of the phone, when I'm thousands of miles away from home, and can't do anything about it. 
I'm tired of lying to her and my dad, telling them everything's good,  or everything's fine,  when it's not.
I'm tired of craving to go home, when home doesn't feel home anymore, and neither this place.
I'm right back from where I started: there's a roof above my head, but yet, I feel homeless.
I tried picking myself up, stitching my wounds, burying myself in work, just so I can hide from reality.
But...let's face it: 2014 was probably the worst year of my life.
Started the year with a break up, followed by deaths in my family, depression and lots of health problems.
Now, I'm living the shock of losing a friend, which apparently died about a year ago.
I don't know how, nor why I didn't find out until now.
All I can remember,  are a few conversations we had over the phone, and how he managed to pick me up, from thousands of miles away, when I thought I had nothing.
We didn't speak too often, but the amount of times we did, was more than enough to create a friendship.
I tried getting in touch with him a few good times, and there was no answer, anywhere.
If I only knew...
I can't cope with his death, just for the simple fact that the feelings and the emotions burning in me right now, send me right back at being 17, when I've lost someone I cared a lot about.
I can smell the depression, the insomnia has begun, I have a terrible migraine, and there's a bitter taste behind all of these.
I am tired, weak and powerless.
I am sick, I feel fucked,  and I am broken.

Stay away, leave me alone whoever the fuck you are.