04/01/2014

Shield

There's no better way to hurt me, than losing you.

I open the door hoping that on the other side I'll find the real me. That me that I'm scared, so fuckin scared of finding again, but instead I find rain and no shelter.
I light up my cigarette and put on my hoodie. Half of my face can't be seen, and I feel anonymous. 
I hope that around the corner, I'll find shelter, but the door's opening. 
There he is, like 17 months ago, surprising me, stopping me from following my path, ruining my nightmares and mending wounds that cannot be healed. 
Here he is, ready this time, to have his own shield smashed. He's left his guard down, his hoodie's on, his cigarette is burning. 
We stare in each others eyes, and we cannot see what we want to see. He has the questions and I've lost the answers when I smashed my shield. 
I am afraid of him.
I am afraid of losing him. 
I am afraid of being myself. 
I am afraid of everything that once hurt me.
I am afraid of everything that can hurt me. 
I am afraid of what hurts me. 
It scares the shit out of me, and he's silent, he thinks of what he's done. 
I've lost it and I break in pieces. 
I tell him everything I feel.
I show him everything I feel.
He's scared and silent. 
I know I'm losing him, and I'm not stopping, I want him to see me as I am. No masks, no strength, just human, like him, like you, like any other of us. 
Not holding up my shield, not wearing a mask.
Weak.
Naked.
Breakable.
Scared.
Scarred.
I've lost. 
I've lost everything I fought for.

We fall asleep, apart from what we were yesterday.


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